what to tell your gradeschool bully after the 20yr reunion

Dear Tim Timinsky*,

So great to see you at the 20-year High School reunion! What a blast. I wasn't thrilled with the pasta buffet, but otherwise, I had ball.

That night, I realized that time does heal, and I've totally forgiven you for calling me China Woman in fifth grade, thereby establishing my permanent nickname, C.W., all the way through high school. Let bygones be bygones, right??? We were just a buncha kids. Life's too darn short to keep a grudge.

Anyhoo, so sorry to see that early male pattern baldness runs in your mother's family. I mean, wow. I barely recognized you! The one earring is a good call--draws the eye away from the trouble spots. And that extra 100 pounds you were griping about? Don't worry, hardly noticeable, especially when you stood behind the bar and played Tom Cruise in "Cocktail." That was funny. I'm sure you won't turn out like your brother Jed. Ran into him at Walgreen's--I see he's using a walker to support his weight gain. (I assume the oxygen tube was for something else?)

So cool of your probation officer to let you stay out past your curfew for the karaoke contest. (BTW, I believe you when you say you'd just "borrowed" your neighbor's car and drove to Juarez. The courts need to start acknowledging the gray areas between "borrow" and "steal" re: cars and oxycontin prescriptions.) I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I appreciate the 600 hours of community service you've been doing. Route 20's median has never looked better.

Couldn't believe my ears when you said Shelly ran off like that on Xmas day '03. What a witch! You were THE quintessential high school sweethearts. So romantic how you proposed to her in 12th grade when she got pregnant. NOT cool of her to show up to the reunion with Danny Robeson--and with their new twins!  OMG, weren't you and Danny best friends in high school? Oh well, times change, right? I mean, who knows what might happen!? Maybe you and I will even become friends! How freakin' nuts would that be?

Well, gotta run--I've got yoga class and then I'm meeting my writing group for dim sum in Chinatown. Hope your mom's basement has finally aired out and that your gun collection wasn't too damaged by that little fire after all. Here's to an awesome 25th in 2014!!

Your friend,
April "C.W." Heck : )

*all names and some details have been changed on this blog site